Complaints of a stupid bird commonly known as Hedw
by bobX
Summary: Just like the title says. Has anyone ever asked what Hedwig wanted? Well? Did they? PS. Please Review.
1. The weed and the FAT man

As you may or may not know - owls are nocturnal. So one bog - standard day I was doing just what an owl was supposed to do (sleeping) when I felt something prod me. I let out a hoot and tried to ignore it - but it proded me again. So I was forced to wake up. Which is even more annoying than extremely small midget (ahem) children throwing things on the floor. (these things of course have the courtesy to land upside down and spill everywhere.)  
So there I was tired as hell - and I wake up, to find a massive potatoe floating before me!!! My eyes opened in shock - and as they did they took everything in around the potatoe and I found to my dissapointment that the great big tater was attatched to a really, really gigantic, fat sausage wearing a beard and a coat and evidently struggling hard to pose as a man.  
I looked hard at the potatoe-nose. I noticed hundreds of little peck marks from where the sausage man had stuck his nose into other cages - and apparently the occupants were much less tolerant than I was. I was overcome by the desire to follow suit - it would get rid of the - umm - large man, and I could go back to sleep. I looked carefully at the "nose" and shock horror!!! I saw millions upon millions of ENORMUS blackheads!!!!! That sausage man is disgusting!! Before I could reel (?) away in pure terror, the potat...nose...took off, I think the man stood up, and then I saw what looked like five sausages and a bit of salami, but was actualey a hand, zooming through the air to the top of my cage - and then - the most brilliant sensation, I was flying! And then I remembered that not only was I an owl - but I was also a flying bird. I heard a gruff voice say - "I'll take this one please." a faint clinking, and then more 'flying until I found myself outside the shop. The big fat guy who was carrying me took me down the street quite a way - until we came to another shop, outside which there was a scrawny midget with a funny squiggle on his forehead.  
Great. My new master. A weed.  
Woo and Yay.


	2. Hedwig!

Well - here we go again!

By the time I got over the initial shock of the fat man and the skinny wretch, I had been living in a muggle house for a month.  
I didn't get to see much of it - because a large walrus came and yelled at the wretch who had become my master everytime i even hooted. Between the walrus and the stick insect - I went with the stick insect. (Even though he was wearing tragic round glasses - doesn't he know that it's squares all the way in the optical world?)  
So anyway, one night - just as I was preparing to go out for a hunt - the midget - commonly known as Harry (what a boring name.) distracted me by coming up to me while I was perched on the windowsill, and said completely out of the blue,  
"I shall call you Hedwig." and then he went away.  
I nearly fell of the windowsill in indignation. For one thing, he hadn't even asked if I liked it, and for another thing - Hedwig is most definately a boys' name. Do I look like a boy mister panda-glasses? Well!!! Do I??  
I flew off. When I came back - I decided that anger is a good thing. It helps you to kill millions upon millions of tiny, insignificant mice and annoying birds. I was no longer hungry - so I fluttered back into my cage ready for a nice long sleep, when I was interrupted by Harry. For the second time that night. That's what I hate about muggle houses. They have no consideration for owls. Do I go around making as much noise as possible during the night to wake them up? I think not.  
"Hedwig!!" cried Harry. Annoyed at this casual use of such a rubbish name, I turned round so that he could only see my tail feathers. And do you know what he did? He turned the cage round!  
Honestly - if owls fumed I would have bust my top by now.  
"Guess what Hedwig - I've got school tomorrow!!"  
Whoop de doo for you Basil, I thought. He was quite obviously not Basil, but I must say I really dont give a monkey's bum-hole.  
"No really Hedwig! Hogwarts! It's going to be fantastic!"  
I stopped myself there - Hogwarts. Hmm. I seemed to recall that the owl next to me used to work there. He told me all sorts of amazing tales about it - apparently it has the best owlery in Britain. Good good. Somewhere where I could sleep all day without getting disturbed! I was looking forward to this. To thank the little boy for taking me with, (He hadn't said he would. But he obviously wasn't going to leave me there. You can tell these sorts of things by how often your cage is cleaned and waterbowl filled.) I hopped onto his shoulder, nestled my head on his cheek, before fluttering back to the perch and obstinately going to sleep.

The next day found me in my cage, whcih was perched treacherously on Harry's trunk, which was sitting quite contentely on a trolley at London Kings Cross. Normally I would be annoyed at being awake all day - but I could sleep later, and besides I was finally going to Hogwarts - the place which all owls dreamed of!


	3. AHHH! A Wall!

**If anyone besides George is actually reading this, sorry for the delay. I know it's seriously bad beyond belief - it might even be a hospital case - but I enjoy it anyway.**

_So....moving on....._

Harry wheeled me down to a wall. There was a number hanging on either side. One number resembled a line and a circle, the other an odd - deformed, spiral. Apparently that wasn't what he was looking for, because he went up to a clincally obese man with shiny gold blobs all down his front. Gold blobs got agitated, so Harry went away.  
I was wondering what on earth the problem might be, when all of a sudden we were moving again. He wheeled me over to a group of people.  
I thought something was wrong with my eyes.  
Everything had gone red.  
Once I got over this I realised that they were people after all. How dull. So I shut my eyes as Harry began to talk with them. I think I drifted off, because the next thing I remember is everything whizzing past. I wondered why everything was rushing.  
And they I realised it was us who was moving. I looked in front of me, and!!! A wall!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
That was roughly my feelings on the matter.  
It was coming closer, and closer - what had I done to deserve death? I cringed as we hit the....err......wall.......  
The strange thing was, was that there was no wall. Instead, there was another platform, with a shiny engine waiting. Good god, red again.  
The platform was packed with people, and, what a relief - robes.... I hadn't seen robes for months...  
Harry took us all over to a door in the train, and loaded the trunks onboard. And then, to my disbelief, he put me with them too!! Insolent weed!!!  
But boy was I shattered. I felt myself drifting into sleep - I saw two of the red people gawping at Harry as he walked away, and...and.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  
  
**Short and to the point. Even though it's shite. It'll get better. (I hope) If anyone but George is reading this - please pretty please with ice cream and chocolate sauce, please please review!**


	4. Heaven in owl form!

**Aloha mes amis. Sorry for the delay. Homework is an annoying factor of life.  
**_So anyway...here's, well, not the rest, but ... more...._

I slept like a log. Not that logs sleep or anything - but its better than slept like a baby, because babies wake up all the time. Which is frankly irritating.  
So. I slept like a log. Throughout the rest of the day. But at the point where I stopped my loggish-behaviour, I woke up.....

....in what seemed to be another Universe.

Momentarily.

I found myself perched on a smooth rafter, (it had lovely comfortable dips in it for my claws) in between two other owls. I looked around, and noticed that there were a million owls perched around the walls of the stony room. It was so warm and cosy, and the stench was _divine._ I had a close look at my neighbours. One was an old lady - she looked quite stiff and strict - definately to be avoided. I turned my head - my other neighbour was waking up! He opened his great, beautiful brown eyes, turned his head toward me...and I found myself looking into the eyes of the only holy thing on this planet!  
I could hear the hallejulah chorus.  
By god! He is the most gorgeous creature I've ever seen in my entire life! And I have seen a lot of very good looking birds - so that's saying something.  
I was pulled back down to Earth by the sounds of my own voice saying hello to my new found love. And guess what!!! He said hello back!!! I'm completely excited. He talked to me!!  
Then he shut his eyes and went back to sleep. Wow!!! He is sooooooo deep! I would never thing of doing something so completely magnificant as that! Oh, I'm going to try it - perhaps I'll see him in my dreams......

**No one ever said that owls don't have crushes. Have you ever asked one? No. Then don't say it.**


	5. Jees, its not THAT funny

**Oh dear. I just read the last chapter. It really does suck.  
**

I woke up...again, with a serious feeling of deja vu. Everything was rushing through my head like a confused dream. Flashing through my mind in quick succesion, I saw....a midget in glasses, a great red engine, a varnished wooden trunk, four stone walls, thousands upon thousand of owls, a stiff old bird, and two, dreamy, dark eyes....  
  
I swear I almost jumped out of my feathers as I turned my head and found those eyes watching me, searching me.  
"Err...Hello..."  
"Hello madmoiselle. How goes it?"  
"It goes well, thank you sir - how goes it with you?"  
"All well, thank you kindly."

This was standard owl talk - it was like a ritual. I would have said it to my enemy before knocking him out of the sky! But - just maybe, maybe, he would talk some more...  
He did!!  
  
"Did you enjoy the journey up?" he asked  
"Oh - it was nothing out of the ordinary - but it was fine."  
"Was it your first hourney up?"  
"Yes - it was, my....for lack of a better word....master, is a first year."  
"Really! Mine is also! What's yours called?"  
"Harry. He's well meaning, but a lumbering doofus - he can't gender names for a start! What's your masters name?"  
"Draco. He is vaguely reminisint of a boogey."  
I giggled. Honestly - owls can giggle - it just takes a little bit of effort.  
We moaned about insolent prats (commonly known as masters) for quite a while. He is so witty!  
"Sorry - I forgot to ask, what's your name?" said I to the gorgeous one.  
"My name is Mordred. I won't let Draco name me. He sat there for about a million hours until he got through to my actual name."  
"You're better than I am. My prat of a master called me Hedwig!"  
Can you guess what Mordred did then? Guess. He burst into fits of laughter. Mental note. Kill Harry at closest possible moment in time for making me laughing stock. I quite frankly refuse to deliver ANYTHING for him.  
"Jees. It wasn't my fault." I said, trying to bring him back to normal owl conversation level. It was close on useless - he was panting from laughing so hard.  
"I'm sure it wasn't - but Hedwig!" he burst out laughing. Again. So I hit him. It helped loads.  
"Alright, I'm sorry Dwiggy." He said almost completely sincerly. Almost.  
He never asked me what my name was before Harry called me that abonimable excuse for a name - so Dwiggy stuck, so did Heddy, but that's almost worst than Hedwig.  
I still can't say hello to anyone while Morty is there - because he'll crack up and tell them what my name is.  
Must kill Harry soon.


	6. Twisted

**This is getting weirder by the minute.  
  
**I have decided that Hogwarts is the holiest place on the planet. As long as you can sleep, and as much toast as you can eat.  
Mind you - I don't exactly want to eat too much - being clinically obese would NOT repeat NOT be fun. Although the food is heavenly...  
We get to poo on the floor! I think it's fantastic! None of this rubbish with clean cages - just good old go when you need to. Downside is if you are below another owl. Upside is I have a perch on the very top rafter. The smell from it is truly sublime.  
Mortster and I have joined a club! It's called Artemis' Dudes. It's a hunting club - and we get free run of the ENTIRE grounds on Thursdays and Sundays. That's like - a million billion acres. Or more!!  
Speaking of the Mortster Machine - he is so unbelivably fit. But we're like, best of friends - and I don't think he would ever consider me as more than that. He doesn't seem to like anyone else - but he just seems to be going thrugh a dry phase in the hormone bank.  
AAAAHHHHH!! It's confusing. I can't tell if he'd like me more than that, because all the signalls are 100 mixed up, and I'm _confused_!  
But I don't like thinking about that. It bothers me.  
Despite my wanting to kill Harry - I made my first delivery the other day! I was very proud. Granted, it was a grubby scrap of a note from that man who is definately more than clinically obese - but it gave me a reason to go down to breakfast. Mort gets to go like every week - it's not fair. We have 'arguements' about this. He says it's because Draco's family care about him, and I say Harry has no family to care about him.  
Normally Morty-baby and I get on well. We have formed a secret union to be sworn enemies against the droopy duster whom everyone knows as Errol. Honestly, he is useless! The day he does something right will be the day I stuff my head up my butt.  
Whenever I go down to breakfast (mainly to eat Harry's toast - it's somehow slightly more satisfying than the toast we're given.) I notice that he is sitting with one of the red people from the train station, and a bush-head girl. Harry was polite enough to introduce us. Carrothead's actual name is Ronald, and frisster's actual name is Hermione.  
Their parents must have been drunk when thay decided on those names. I feel really sorry for - oh god I can't bring myself to say it again - oh, dear god! Those names are quite frankly disgusting. I nominate them puke-worthy.  
There is something twisted going on with those three - because whenever I stop to watch them, they're all sending odd signals to each other. I think it might be a weird bi-sexual twist to a spasticated love triangal.  
But hell, that's just me. Who knows? Owl signals might be different from human ones. 


	7. Hyperness

**Thanks to those lovely people who have reviewed!! You're all so friendly. George. A person can have more than one nick-name. Honest. So, moving swiftly on, it's back to barmy owls.**

Oh God!! I'm so excited. I'm going to make such a wicked delivery! I'm going to deliver an entire broomstick to Harry! An_ entire broomstick!_ Wow! I will, of course, need help. I mean, broomsticks are too fat for their own good. I'm going to get some of the school owls to help me. As much as I love Morty, he really is too wild to take anything seriously. Some of the school owls are good looking guys. I wish I could fall for one of them instead of Morty - because he's so complicated. One minute, he's doing the courting dance - the next he's laughing at me.  
Despite everything, we're getting on well. Taunting Errol is by far the best fun ever. We sit and sing and tease him. Guess what?! Errol's got a girlfriend!!  
Remember that stiff old lady who I found perched next to me on the night I arrived? Well she's going out with Errol!! It's so funny. We sit where he can't see us or smell us, and we sing:  
"Florentina and Errol, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G..." well, yeah. You all know how that one goes.But it's funny because Errol gets completely and utterly confused about where it's coming from, so he sits in a corner and cries!!! Heh-heh-heh. Serves him right for being so useless.  
I've been made part of the council for our hunting club! It means I get best pick of the game - and an unlimited pass to hunt.  
Oh - I really must fly, I have to choose those lucky owls to help me fly the broom down to Harry!!  
Wow! I'm excited!!!

**For those...ahem...lesser mortals....(sorry) you know how birds do like mating dances? Well I decided birds did courting dances. You do know what courting means right?  
Oh dear, I fear I've gone hyper....**


	8. And Hedwig's real name is

**Yeh...sorry about the last chapter. Oh how twisted I'm going to make poor Hedwig's life today...**

"Hi Heddy." said Mordred.  
"Hey Mortster Monster."  
"How was the whole delivery thing?"  
"It was majorly cool! Everyone was looking at me! I feel so proud! But...err...your Draco dude...he didn't seem so happy about it."  
"Ignore him. He's greasy. And Harry?"  
"Absolutely elated. And carrot head - and bush head - and - well actually the entire table..."  
"Glad it went well."  
"Thanks Mort."  
"Look, Heddy-Wiggy, baby, I need to talk to..."  
He never got to finish his sentance - for at that moment a cry went up through the owls around us. Looking around for what had caused the disturbance - I saw an owl I had never seen before, flying around the owlery. I fly every day - as does every owl - but this was flying as I had never seen before! He was so intune with every fluid movement as he weaved in and out of the owls and rafters. He was a large, strong owl, with the most amazing eyes and sharp features. He was absolutely gorgeous in every ense - and I felt my heart flutter.  
Mordred, disgruntled at being interupted, muttered, "Showoff," quietly to himself - but seeing I had taken no notice of him, and wasn't about to, he flew off, to perch sulkily on the very topmost rafter.  
I hardly noticed him say goodbye. My eyes were on wonderboy, following his liquid movements - for a second, our eyes met, and in mid flight, he changed course completely to come at a halt next to me.  
"Greetings, lady" he smiled, bowing his head.  
"Greetings."  
"What is your name?" he asked, and I answered, thrilled that we were not simply going through the ancient greetings.  
"The one my master gave me was Hedwig, but before he did, I was called Gwenhyfar."  
"Gwenhyfar is a beautiful name. Mine is Palomides."  
"How come I've never seen you before?"  
"My mistress is new here only last week. We have slowly beeen travelling North, and we arrived to late to fit in with the beginning of term - but she was accepted anyway."  
"Wow! Where do you come from?"  
"We came here from Brazil."  
"Really? That's exotic."  
"Yes. Nothing like Britain. Goodbye for now beautiful Gwenhyfar." and with that he took off again, and flew away like a dancing river.  
I swear he had stolen my heart on the spot!  
But what about Mordred?

**Yeh, I do have an ever so _slight_ obssession with the Athur names.**


	9. The boy who what?

**Thanks to all those have reviewed. I know Hedwig may sound like a girl's name to you, but it's simply a matter of opinion. Oh, and by the way _Melanie Depp _- who the hell is Simon? I would love to read some of your sister's work. I would also like to point out to Miss Depp that I am completely aware of how bad this is, but there is immense enjoyment in writing something stupid - even if it's just to get it out of your system. Anyway - no one's asking you to read it.**

I slept badly that night. I kept having strange dreams of mountains and flaming arrows, and Harry knocking on my cage, even though he was sitting in a tree, far, far above me...  
When I awoke, I found Mordred waiting for me to get up. I greeted him, remembering suddenly that he had wanted to talk to me yesterday.  
"Morty."  
"Yes Wiggy?"  
"What was it you wanted to talk about yesterday?"  
"Oh - you mean, yesterday, when you decided to completely ignore me and have a chat with that showoff?"  
"Come on, Morty! Palomides isn't that bad! He was really nice to me, and polite he kept calling me Lady - and _he _didn't laugh at me when I told him what Harry had called me!"  
"So...._your _this Lady Gwenhyfar he's been on about..."  
If owls could blush I would have turned as red as Ron's (yuk) hair!  
"Wiggy - what on Earth moved you to say you were called Gwenhyfar?"  
"What? It's true! You just never bothered to find out what my real name was!"  
"I'm sorry if I'm not up to your standards, your Royal Highness."  
"Mort you prat, stop being stupid! I..."  
"As you wish, your majesty." He interrupted, bowing low - and then he took off. Fantastic. Absolutely fantasic. I'm quarelling with my best friend over someone I hardly know! well, if he was going to be so narrow minded...  
I flew off to let out my anger on the game of Hogwarts. I soon found a fat vole, scuttling along the ground. To my futher annoyance, I spotted another owl eyeing the same vole! Irritated, I dived for it, trying to reach it before the other owl. Apparently he had the same idea, for we crashed midway.  
"What the blazes are you doing?" I yelled at him.  
"I beg your pardon, Lady."  
"Oh...err, sorry - umm. Hi Palomides. Good hunting?"  
"No. Bad hunting. Everything's asleep. But no matter, I would rather talk to you."  
That was exactly what we did. We flew at a steady pace, chatting idly about anything and everything. Eventually, we came across a vast pitch, surrounded by stands, and with three hoops at either end. Large scarlet and green blurs whizzed all over the place. Astonished, we hovered behind the stands. As the blurs passsed us, again and again, I noticed that they were people - on broomsticks! And - oh goodness! That one was Harry! My, he was so small and skinny! For no particular eason, I suddenly felt sorry for the poor weedy little boy. Everyone else was so much bigger than him!  
"Look! Palomides! See over there? That's my master!"  
I heard a sharp intake of breath from where Palomides hovered.  
"But, Lady - this is the boy who lived!"  
"The what?" i asked, completely taken aback.  
"The boy who lived!"  
"Yeh - erm, English would be a good language right about now."  
"You haven't heard of the boy who lived?"  
"If I had, would I really be this confused?"  
"No. Let me explain. There was a dark wizard called Lord Voldemort..."  
"I know who he is! My nan used to be his owl. But she got eaten by this basilisk."  
"Oh, errm...." he looked put out.  
"Please continue."  
"Oh...well...yes. Basically, he tried to get people on his side - but those who wouldn't, were killed. And he set out to kill Harry's entire family - and Harry was the only person, Harry, a child of one, was the only person to survive Voldemort, throughout the whole of History. And Voldemort vanished!"  
"Wow! I never knew that!"  
Palomides looked at me with respect. Mental Note, must be kinder to Harry. Oh, I can't wait to tell Mort! That was when I remembered, with a sinking feeling, that Mort wasn't talking to me. I also remembered that he had wanted to tell me something...


	10. Everyone has a bad hairday

**Sorry I haven't updated in ages, I haven't been able to actually get too my computer for a while, and I have far too much homework - I swear their trying to kill me. Oh well. Thank you for reviewing!!! Nikkila, sorry your stressed but glad I could help in some odd, tiny way....and phsyco bunny dude person. I do mean Palomides. Honest. I'm half Greek, so I know what you mean. eh farristo.**

I feel seriously depressed. The Mortster Machine isn't talking to me, and has gone as far as being in cahoots with Errol the Duster, and they gang up on me!!!!!! It's soooooooo unfair. Don't get me wrong, I still think of Hogwarts as the most fantastic place on the planet - but lately, things have been going wrong. I don't even have Palomides too console me, he's gone off on an errand too Brazil or whereever it is for his mistress. So now he's gone, I can't even find out who his mistress is, and I've been forgetting for months!!!! It's like those birthday candles which wont blow out no matter how hard you blow. Irritating, huh.  
It's coming up for Christmas soonish, so I might go out for a fly and nag some people to send Harry a few presents....he seems so unwanted normally, it would be quite nice for him to actually get something at Christmas. I still haven't gotten oveer the fact that he's the boy who lived!!!! It makes me feel really important, being able to work for him, and now that the rest of the owls have found out, they treat me like a Queen! They all still call me Hedwig though. It sucks - only Palomides will call me by my actual name, but I've kinda gotten used to being Hedwig. Herry was telling me the other day that Morty's greasy master challenged him to a duel at midnight! Apparently he went along with gingernob and bushy, and some toad guy called Neville, but Malfoy never turned up! According to the boy who lived, (wow) Filch nearly sniped them instead. I don't see why they hate Filch - he's always lovely to all the owls, but I can't stand his slimy cat!! It looks like a furry rotten banana, with eyes too big for its own good. So, anyway, The One Who Defeated The Dark Lord Voldemort and co, ran off somewhere on the third floor, and got mauled by this great three headed dog! I must remember to pay the third floor a visit, I had no idea Serburus was still around. We go way back.

**So there you go. Short and st. By the by, Serburus was the original three headed dog and guarded the gates of Hades at the end of the river Styx. (Just in case you didn't know.)**


	11. Of Garlic & Fried Mushrooms

**Sorry about the massivly long delay. I hope Mr. Filch and his furry banana (ok, ok - that sounded wrong. I meant the stupid cat.) forgive me. Please not the thumbscrews!!!! Anyone who has been holding their breath over this (yeah right) is now probably dead, and if not, I would advise them to breathe. Lots.  
PS. Have momentarily lost all capability to spell.**

Down side to my life:  
Palomides is still away.  
Upside to my life:  
The Mort Machine and I are back in business!  
Not as an item or anything, obviously - but he couldn't take it anymore when he was flying with Errol in the grounds, who happened not to notice the great big fat tree in front of him. Birdbrain. (Pardon the pun.) Anyway, he came begging on his knees to resolve our arguement. Well, not quite on his knees. Owls don't have knees - and it was a little less than begging.....  
....but all the same - Morty and Wiggy are no longer a thing of the past!  
To prove how sorry he was, he took me for supper (I call it supper for the benefit of the reader. Your supper is actually our breakfast.) in a pub where a cousin of his has a good roost. It was fantastic, there where little midget coakroach waitresses and everything! So, we take our desired perches, and a coakroach scuttles over.  
"Hello, I am Very Small and Insignificant and I will be serving you today. Is there anything I can get you?"  
"What's the menu?" asked Morty.  
"Well, we have roast vole stuffed with garlic and served with fried mushrooms, we have an entire chicken if you are really hungry, stuffed with fried mushrooms, and served in a garlic sauce. Today we have half a spitted rabbit, garnished with garlic and fried mushrooms - and of course, the pub speciality - a fried mushrooms, stuffed with garlic, served in a creamy garlic dressing, and garnished with fried mushrooms."  
"What's with all the garlic and fried mushrooms?"  
"Haven't you heard sir? There's a vampire in these parts!"  
"Oh - alright, but what about the fried mushrooms?"  
"But, sir - I just explained - they're because of the vampire!"  
We left.  
Either the coakroach is thick, or their are some extremely weird vampires hanging around Hogwarts. Fried mushrooms never harmed anyone - unless of course they are poisonous. In which case, we would be dead - not the vampire.  
Unless they were trying to feed the wretched creature! Or....  
No, I'll stop. The list of possibilities is endless! Oh, I must pop in on Serberus soon - I miss the old chappy. Haven't seen him in yonks.

**So there you go. By the by, George - Serberus is an ancient mythical creature. Greek myths. Is the light dawning? **


	12. A trip to the underworld

**In which an owl visits a three-headed killer dog! Will Serberus survive?**

I visited Serburus today. I didn't take the Mort Man with me - strangers aren't good on poor old Serberus. I've usually been able to manage him, because as I am a bird, he is lulled by the music of my voice, but there is not enough music there for him to drop off.  
I must say it was quite a mission getting there, especially without being noticed. Fortunately for me little boys and girls are unobservant pigs, who wouldn't be able to notice anything odd if kiked them in the crotch and stole their pants.  
So, I got there in the end - with no intrusion from the skinny hairball, otherwise known as Mrs.N.  
"Wotcher Serberus!"  
"Gwenhyfar!" his voice is really low and growly - well, alright. All three of his voices are really low and growly.  
"They call me Hedwig now."  
If you have never seen a three headed dog laugh so hard that he is rolling on the floor, and there are tears in all nine eyes, then you are very fortunate indeed, and only have to imagine how off-putting the sight is, instead of actually experiencing it.  
"I hear they call you Fluffy now." Hah - got him. He stopped laughing, and stood up.  
"Sorry uh - Hedwig."  
"Don't worry about it likkle-ikkle-Fluffy-kins."  
We talked about life, the universe and everything. (By the way, the answer's 42)  
"So, Fluffy, old bean, old pal. What are you doing in Hogwarts?"  
"Guarding the trap door that leads to this doo-dah, thingymejigger - ah yes! The philoserphers stone. Or something like that."  
"How dandy. So are you posted here for long?"  
"Well, my script tells me that I'm supposed to stay here all year, frighten the turd out of this little chappy with a scar on his head, slash open the potion master's leg, and fall asleep at the end of the year and let everyone and their aunties come through the door."  
"Wait - what? Your script?"  
"Never mind." Seeing three pairs of eyes rolling all at once is an odd an grusome sight. "What are you doing here? I thought you were planning an early retirement."  
"Everything went out the drain. I got bought you see, and now I'm working for this wee little midget called Harry Potter. The boy who lived." I added. Somewhat proudly.  
"Fairly short, black hair, stupid glasses and a cut on his forehead?"  
"That's the one."  
"Had him in here a couple of weeks ago. And a few of his little mates. I must say I scared all the bile in their bodies away."  
"He told me. Who else have you had in here then?"  
"Well, Hagrid pops in from time to time just to check. Stupid git always comes armed with a pipe or something, and plays me to sleep. I get really bad hangovers from that."  
"Had any trouble with the local bag of fleas?"  
"Oh, you mean Mrs.N? Nah, she's lovely to me. Sweet little thing - lovely eyes." Did I sense puppy (pardon the pun) love? The three headed dog and the scrangy furball. Who would have guesed?  
"Well, sorry to leave so abruptly Fluffster, but I really must fly. Palomides is coming back tomorrow, and I need a manicure, a perm and some decent contacts."  
"Good luck with him, Wiggy."  
"Good luck with Mrs.N."  
And off I flew, soaring like a great eagle, only, smaller, and far less magnificent. Where can an owl find a perm around here that isn't half dilapitated?

**NB. I still can't speell.**


End file.
